I saw a text message notification a few days ago. It was from Rodney, a Christian missionary from America currently in his 60s. I got to know him 4 years ago in Melaka. I was on my sabbatical then. My sabbatical was a necessity. I had delved too deeply into the night scene of Singapore prior to that so much so that I felt spiritually and emotionally drained by the superficially, decandence and hopelessness I witness around me. It was ironical how my devotion to bring about success in the tasks set before me brings me recognition from my peers while at the same time proportionally amplifying my sense of self loathe quietly hidden away from the sight of all around. This self loathing which over time grows into a deep hatred for self, a hatred that would most likely have resulted in suicide had I not drop everything material gained thus far and left. In retrospection doing a pyschoanalysis of self, it is tragic to see this cycle repeated over and over again in this life of mine, to have success grow proportinately with self-loathing.
I was in the late stage of this self-destructive cycle of mine when we met in Melaka. He was leading a band of Christian musicians then. It was strange that he noticed and approached me of all the people he saw walking in the streets of quiet town Melaka. We talked late into the night then and I travelled with them for another 3 days before leaving the Christian band to proceed further up north on my own journey which eventually lead me into the hearts of the Golden Triangle where the militias would hold in their hands a sub machine guns while collecting their bribes from you. I guess one must really have a death wish to venture into such places. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Knows to who? What I did know was the urge to just keep pursing the direction of North. It was only when I finally found peace in that abandoned war torn church in Mong La did I decided it was time to head home.
It has been quite a while since me and Rodney last time met. If I did not remember wrongly it was more than 2 years ago. This time we met on Friday morning at Plaza Singapore for breakfast. Rodney hasn't changed much, he was as jolly looking as ever. I was told over breakfast he have had for himself 2 operations since our last meeting. He proclaimed that while he was still young at heart, he was physically no longer that young anymore.
Unknowingly Rodney stirred our conversation that morning towards the clash of values. He related that one of his protege a student from Malaysia who recently went over to US for studies got involved with a Swedish girl who was also a student. He talked about how strange it was to the Swedish girl his boyfriend had to send money home every month ever since he graduated to his parents, when parents and off springs live somewhat financially independent lives in the west. This topic on value clashes did struck a chord. However in my opinion, what he described was a relatively simple two polarity scenario where all one had to do was to find a position between the stated two extremes as his own. What I have in mind is a multi polarity issue which to date I have yet found an answer to. Things would have been simple if things could be sorted so easily into right and wrong, good and evil. However the current situation is such that these values which I hold to be right and good are contradicting each other. Right and wrong does not exist, neither is there good and evil. I do not foresee I will resolve this issue that soon.