Seriously I am feeling so stuck recently. I am neither advance nor retreat. Advancing in the path ahead means betraying my own beliefs about the way, retreating backwards means betraying my own integrity.

I am stuck so badly stuck. If there were an enemy without I would have been able to easily solve this problem by conquering him. However the enemy seems to be no where and everywhere at the sametime. How does one attempt at fighting such an enemy like this?

I need to find him. That is what I will need to do. There is nothing like being stuck helplessly unable to identify the enemy while taing continous onslaughts from god knows where.

I finally arrive along East Coast Beach. I dumped my bag and jumped right into the sea. I couldn’t take it anymore.

There I stayed alone, floating in the sea, bobbing along with the tide, staring out at the vast open waters. Evening was coming. The sun was setting. There were no other sounds except the occasional crashing of waves on the white sandy beach. I felt so free all of a sudden. Life is supposed to be like this. Then I suddenly recalled!

My greatest love mother nature, I have neglected you for so long being distracted with all these meaningless urban life. Please forgive me.

Slowly I crawled back to shore, all wet. Now I have to think of a way to dry myself with neither towel nor a change of clothes.

The roller coaster ride continues…

Alena must be fast asleep somewhere up in the north at the moment, considering the fact that we are in the same time zone. Obliged to her request, I refrained from texting her at night. She hates that.

She is a day person, her environment is as such, not much happens for her after the sunsets in Shandong, whereas my day just starts when the sun finally sets. Deep in the night is when I am at my most active, when most of my brain work is done.

My dad just woke up to feed the cat, it was unnecessary, there was still lots of cat food in the bowl. My mom will be heading to the hospital in the morning to have her womb removed. My brother back to work, but it seems he will be heading off to Germany for training for a month come this Friday. Boy I am looking forward to one month of free space.

I love the nights when everyone at home is asleep. It felt like I owned the entire place, all the space I needed. Perhaps that is why I choose to spend most of my day time sleeping nowadays and my night time up and working. Perhaps in the future when I own my own apartment it might become different, but till then, I believe my nocturnal habit will persist.

Just last night I got dragged down by one of my buddies into one of the new clubs in town. It was a fresh concept. How does it go about… Imagine the thai disco concept, where there is a band is on stage and the audiences show their appreciation for the band or the singer by buying them sashes or flowers each of which the performer could later exchange for its equivalent value in terms of cash. Well take away the thais and their bands and replace them with Male Singaporean Singers, that is what this new club is about, Singaporean male as singing entertainers on stage.

Bazaar really, but pretty entertaining. Here we have a group of guys whom mostly has received little or no vocal training performing on stage and there we have a mixed group of audience but pre-dominantly Singaporean females in their late twenties to early thirties dumping sashes and flowers on these former group of guys. Suddenly the reality I pre-supposed became topsy turvy.

Being disinclined towards singing any canto or mando pop songs, I mostly spent my time table hoping and chatting up the crowd, spending time on any willing poor soul to convince him or her of the fact I am some illegal Mongolia immigrant who just happened to be in Singapore before wandering off to the next place.

Since the premise was false, I might as well capitalized on the occasion and experiment with how far fetched my imaginations could be and at the same time convince the next guy beside me it was the truth. I am afraid after a whole night’s experiment, people are more gullible than we admit ourselves to be.

Thankfully god had mercy on them, on and off I was dragged off stage to stand around while the guys sang their number, or just to do my usual dance gig with my bros.

Now one thing which I observed that really interested me was that it seemed common for the more popular males singers to be constantly being cuddled up against by their female fans. Having had the chance to converse and study these female clienteles, I realized more than half of them were attached with boyfriends, fiancees or husbands during their daily lives. So why this then, women paying money for affection from someone else outside their partnership? Are they not supposed to be the more emotionally attached part of the human species? Apparently not I think.

Well to be fair and speaking for both sides of the fences, what about the Geylang then, the re-known red light district for the main stream crowd, the guys. Obliged to do research online into this uber underground part of the Singaporean scene recently, I dare bet that more than half of these visitors were married with a wife or attached with a girlfriend or fiancee.

Perhaps then the whole notion of marriage as an institution, holy in the kingdom of god is a sham after all, something to be paid lip service to when remembered, a yet undischarged relic unyet left behind by society, a false front to at least maintain some resemblance of order amidst what is truly an anarchical state of chaos that is the human society today.

Seriously I have no clearer idea on what is to come as compared to the next person beside me. The only answer I arrived upon is that a certificate signed between two parties at the local registry of marriage is not much of a gaureentee on the level of bliss one experiences in life to come thereafter. One does really have to resign oneself to the fact that there is always a chance the whole thing not work out and one cannot but continue on one’s path in life alone no matter how hard one tried. With that said, perhaps it is time too that I attempted this path myself. Yes, it might indeed be the most adverse and most challenging of times with the economic crisis, the swine flu and my most recent time bomb encountered to attempt something on such a major magnitude. If it is destined to fail, so be it. Better to get it done and over with really fast and continue on with my life than to hestitate and go around in circles undecided, wasting my constantly dwindling time in this reality in the process. Life is calling, what is left in the top portion of the sand in the hourglass flows downward irregardless.