Gary Teh

A parent raising a child to become a likable adult will groom very different qualities from raising one to become a respectable adult.

The emphasis too will be different from one that seeks to raise a child to become a self-respecting adult.

It is important to raise a child to become an adult that does not rely on any form of external stimulus for his/her dopamine. Such would inevitablely result in character flaws reliant on excesses of one form or another.

On a daily basis reflect and meditate upon an observed character flaw.

To operate from a position of neither authority nor overt power, to influence outcomes by directing the energy of the masses through deep grasping of individual needs and desires.

To claim nothing to self, to aspire to nothing, to resort to no-ado.

To exercise unlimited freedom

That which is unknown, nameless and formless cannot be grasped and thus impeded.

A more profound form of realization was had this evening while driving. If at every moment in life, one is prepared to renunciate/give up anything and everything that one holds dearly to heart at that very moment and perhaps even life itself, then there is nothing in that life could be taken away from oneself that might lead to any form of aversion and thus any form of physical/mental suffering.

With that as a premise, one can at any time renounce striving of any form or manner.  One can thus witness, experience and let go of any form of pain. This is in itself ultimate liberation.

In the midst of a conversation that lead to “No” and subsequent feelings of awkwardness, the following insight occurred to me. It was truly liberating.

It is perfectly fine to sit and observe the feelings of awkwardness in the atmosphere. There is no need to attempt any aversion.

It was perfectly fine to allow the other party to deal with the inconvenience that was perceived. There was no need to resort to appeasement of any sort

It was perfectly fine to not “fight” when provoked. It was perfectly fine to not “flight” when provoked.

It was perfectly fine to not attempt at showing strengthen. It was perfectly fine to not reach with weakness.

It was perfectly fine to allow the other party the freedom to take responsibility by making his own decision.

The only thing to do was to observe and acknowledge the moment by moment passing of this occurrence.

On further contemplation, an individual’s need to be liked stems from:

• the need for the warm fuzzy feeling that one usually gets when with family especially with one’s mother
• the inherent feelings of deficiency that could be attributed to lack of character building from a young age
• the primitive fear of being abandoned and left for dead by one’s tribe

These are outdated mental patterns that has been ingrained in the subconscious.

Gratitude leads to awareness: One thing became immediately noticeable when interacting with others while harboring the spirit of gratitude. The mind starts becoming more cognizant of the inherent goodness of the other and how he/she is actively seeking to contribute.

Awareness leads to choice of words: Words that come forth thus are filled with acknowledgment and appreciation. Personal egocentric and egotistic needs/striving falls away while the mind fully immerses in the world of the other.

Immersion leads to receptiveness: walking in the shoe of the other, one can see clearly the possible recommendations that will be receptive by the other to solve whatever problems at hand. This leads to more opportunities for one to express gratitude.

This virtuos cycle continues thus.

When split over choosing between being likable and incompetent versus respected and effective, opt for the latter.

The need to be liked can stem from insecurity over being incompetent. It can also stem from the general feelings of neediness.

It demands profound knowledge of one’s own inherent self worth to be respected and effective but not liked.

Guard against reciprocal biases

For excellent engineering practice the practitioner is encouraged to ask 5 Whys to understand the fundamental reason why a process breakdown occurs

For effective negotiation, the practitioner should absolutely avoid using the word “Why”. This is because the use of the word “Why” leads to the need for the party on the opposite side of the table to justify him/herself. This instinctively leads to feelings of defensiveness on his side.

Rather, the practitioner should restrict himself to using phrases “How do we do…” and “What do we need for this to be…”. This approach comes across as less contentious and allows the receiver an opportunity to candidly walk through his train of thought.

In most circumstances we start with a lack of clarity to the full context in which a decision needs to be made

Such is true even for context which you priorly grasped fully

seemingly opposed stand points are a result of  each party having partial contextual understanding.

The person in disagreement with your point of view is not the adversary. He is your key to gaining a more wholistic perspective to the situation in question.

It is important to avoid misattributing the difficulty of the circumstances as an inherent character flaw of the person you are working with

 

 

 

I was contemplating on the theme Opportunities and realized to be effective in capitalizing on the multitudes of opportunities life present, it was important to know what one’s True North is.

Giving it more thoughts, I realized the term True North felt somewhat abstract. This lead me to delve more deeply into my personal meaning of True North.

The first interpretation I came up with was a rather cookie cutter thought, something that you would find expounded in books sold in the self help section. Who I want to become ( … in some obscure distant future). I realize this is not very helpful. This view lead to a divide between the current me and an idealized me that seems somewhat removed from reality. This I see as the source of the conundrum experienced by most I know in this modern day and age. This approach is mainly revolved around the notion of an I somewhat separate and potentially in opposition from the rest of reality. An I constantly in fear of being exterminated.

Applying my recent learnings from Mindfulness, I realized a second interpretation focused on manifesting values that I feel strongly about in this present moment of my experienced reality seem to be more immediately feasible/actionable.This paradigm is mainly revolved around the notion of seeing this moment as a canvas for unlimited possibilities and great beauty – full of abundance. The static I no longer exist but becomes a fluid one that is constantly changing, one that has became while still constantly becoming. The future no longer exist, only the present does.

After some reflections, I conclude I for now value the beauty of mother nature, constant self-improvement, freedom, truth, love, compassion and friendship.

Cognizant of these values, the mind constantly seeks out opportunities to light up the current moment with these treasures of immense beauty and also at the same time becomes aware of them when they manifest.

In the evening walking out of the theatre I had a moment of epiphany, I am experiencing this here and now. One day, the physical I will pass over and I the experiencer will stop experiencing this reality and start experiencing another. Before that comes to pass, I should immerse myself in the experiencing of this current moment’s immense beauty.

Learnings from sailing today:

• Have faith in team mates and trust they will make good decisions
• this free up attention to focus on what your own task

learnings from book:

• Appearing human allows people around to feel good
• Do not help your negotiating party make decision or make them feel good by “compromising”. Give them the true details so that they are given the opportunity to take “responsibility” for their own decision
• present what you can offer clearly and also state if they cannot accept the offer, no hard feelings, they should not feel obliged to do so