I finally managed to obtain for Alena her the tourist visa to get into Singapore early this week. She happily booked her air ticket this time around.
And then we had our quarrels again two days ago, as usual… This time I was too tired to call her up. I guess we both went missing for the whole of yesterday. I thought she wouldn’t even bother calling me back again. Guess she did, she texted me today while I was working in the office. I was mentally prepared to just let her go her way after that prior quarrel actually. I was feeling so drained after all these days, somethings got to give. And she seemed the heaviest load I had to deal with at the moment. The temptation to chuck her out like a jettison is there all the time and she really isn’t helping out.
Reading her mind, it seems her first two messages were once again attempts meant to provoke me to anger. I answered indifferently. There were more important things at hand to settle, like my clients! She said she cancelled her air tickets to Singapore with both her parents’ approval.
And thus we went through the process of going down and up the J curve again. This time round due to her lack of control over her emotions she messed up in the most terrible way possible. Firstly, she got angry and made a rash decision, then she was unsure where she should go should we really part,thereafter she was starting to feel lost, she has no idea anymore what to do with her life, finally the doubts creeped in and she got her funds with the air line office making the booking of another airline ticket to Singapore very unlikely even if she decided to change her mind.
“What do you want me to do?” I texted exasperated, not really looking forward to part with my hard earned cash from my previous few projects just to amend another one of her stupid mistakes. These cash could be used for better things.
“Well, I don’t know but never mind.” she replied.
I could imagine the look of being totally lost on her face at the moment we spoke. I saw that countless times, I absolutely hate that look, spending all my effort to just guide her along, protecting her from herself, most especially her stupidity.
I sat then on the sofa looking out the window, I was utterly upset. All would have been fined had she not attempted to contact me again after our quarrel. I would have moved double speed ahead with my life with just the right level of buoyancy and flexibility to keep me afloat for a long long time. Now once again I am stuck with this situation with her.
Anabel my friend from Shanghai, having seen Alena once during our dinner event together, has been warning me all along to dump her. Alena would only be a load in the long run and not a contribution to any of my endeavours. In fact it would have been hard if not impossible for her to find a mate of good calibre for herself with criterias such as hers back in China.
“She makes a bad choice for a mate, even if you don’t think for yourself. Think for your parents and future kids” those were her exact words. Though the words sounded harsh, Anabel’s intent was kind. She came from a back ground that was almost like Alena’s but the difference was Anabel was 3 years younger, with pure perservrance she managed to establish a career for herself and is comfortably married with into a well to do family.
But each time I thought about doing that, I could not help but recall that utterly lost and hopeless look on Alena’s face that I chanced to observe the one fateful day when she walked alone in the streets unaware of my presence. She tries hard in life but had no idea what the hell she was doing wrong no matter the amount of teaching she received. The recollection of that scene still pains me and brings me close to tears just thinking of it. I never ever want that look on her face ever again if I ever could help it.
So many girls I have dated, and so many of them I have parted without worries, they were strong smart and intelligent. Alena oh Alena, I find it hard to ever part with her without the assurance that she is in the safe hands of another. Failing to do so, it would have felt as though I have abandoned a comrade in the battle field just to save my own skin. How dishonourable is that. Such a thought just leaves a foul taste in my mouth.