I step home today after a long day at work outside. The place was empty, my parents were out, my brother was still at work. I was thankful.
Alena called in the afternoon. I told her I was busy, I was in the midst of a meeting with Linda a photographer from Russia then. Linda though Russian of Nationality seemed more of Mongolian descent, thanks perhaps to the legacy of Genghis Khan.
I met up with Satheesh thereafter to discuss about the hardware procurement we were working on, we stayed at Tiong Bahru till 9pm. He left shortly there after with Amba.
As the taxi left carrying Satheesh and Amba along. I stood there by the side of the road considering what to do next. The thought of squeezing with the rest of the home coming commuting crowd and then perhaps to a house with the television blasting away and the annoying lights blasting away was a major turn off.
I opted instead for the other option. Walking past a grocery store I bought myself a pack of cigarettes and started walking towards the near by park, perhaps for some peace and quiet.
I sat at the far edge of the park. facing away from the main walkway and lit myself a cigarette. Puffing away, I stared at the empty lots that was supposed to be the school field during day time. My mind wandered. Suppose the vacant lot remains but the buildings around it didn’t exist. Instead there were miles and miles of grass land stretching all the way to the horizon, the wind meanwhile gently blowing and howling. A desolate land untouched by human hands. That would have been the perfect place to be for some hiatus.
A cat came running from the open gates of the field then. Light of step, full of life and energy, it seemed happy with life until perhaps the next time it goes hungry. Unlike the cat at home, it knows no boundaries it was free. It trotted along the path beside the other runners, an equal.
A passerby came then to this little corner of the park I was occupying. This inexplicable sense of annoyance aroused within me. Being an overcrowded territory as we have here in Singapore. I had no other choice than to accomodated this unwelcomed presence. I felt like crying then. This fragile little desolate paradise I was building within my mind was shattered within an instance.
I left then slowly trodding towards the nearest MRT station. Standing at the platform awaiting the next train to arrive, I felt a deep sense of dread as I prepared myself for the next on slaught of crowd.
The train soon arrived thereafter, I step into the train and closed my eyes willing myself away from this reality to a far away place. More and more did I felt it was important. I had lashed out at an old man the other day in the train on my way home after a long night and it was deeply regretted. The fault was not his but the lack of space on trains nowadays, my lack of sleep and short fuse.
4 stops left… I momentarily returned to reality when the trained arrived at commonwealth station. I grasped in a lung of air and went back to my own world.
3 stops left… I considered Alena. I had texted while I was at the park asking what she wanted of me. She had replied nothing and asked we should meet tonight. I rejected her offer then.
“I am tired. I wish to be alone by myself” I explained.
“Alrite head home early love” she replied.
I stopped replying thereafter.
I wonder to myself sometimes, why was it that she similar to my mom thinks that it was weird and outlandish to choose being alone.
“You should be thankful I am around or else you would just be here alone at the park so bored and lonely. ” she boasted once when we were sitting in the park. Truth was I would have been more thankful had she not been around. With her or even any one by my side especially during those state of mind I was in would have only added to my level of agitation. My mind during those times would just be imprisoned here and now, when it needed most to be let free to wander and roam down the unknown space and time of the cosmic universe and alternate realities.
“Don’t you ever dream? ” I asked her a few nights ago while we were sitting in the void deck.
“I used to but not anymore ” she replied
“What happened? ”
“I finally realised it was impractical. ”
“What then were you dreaming of?”
“I used to imagine I was a princess or a being of another species. That one day I would fly far far away. Away from this place. It was just not realistic. i stopped dreaming then. ”
“No you shouldn’t because that is what really keep us alive. Dreams. Without them, we would just be machines, soulless.”
Typing away the lock to my door suddenly rattled. So be it! my family has returned so much for my personal space for thoughts. But it was definitely enjoyable for a while to be sitting alone in front of my computer with nothing but the night light on and Jazz music playing in the background.
Darkness, this none entity, I truly love it. It was really like a shroud, an impermiable membrane that separates me and the rest of the world, giving me space to create my own.
Soon if my predictions are correct, mom would step in the room and ask “why is the room all dark?” Thereafter against my protest she would switch the annoying flourescent lamp on and I will of course lash out at her. She is ignorant in this manner.
Sometimes I think to myself, if perhaps one day I do own a property of my parents would be most welcomed to visit once in a while but be definitely banned from ever moving in. Such a act would slowly but surely force me into the mental asylum in the long run.
I like my space as it is, the darkness and the imaginary world residing within.