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Why money?

Recently I have been spending alot. More than what I have budgeted for per period time. In reflection though these spendings are not really derived from needs or necessity but seriously due to the lack of answer for this fundamental question? On good food and tonns on books.

Why the hell am I still wasting time working and making money? Seemingly I have made enough money for a long while a year or more perhaps given my predictable spending habits. Any extra money is but just some figures sitting in the bank account.

It seems money as a compensation for effort spent on work is just not really enough past a point.

Even though having spent way more than I should on what I dont really need, I still felt that something fundamentally was missing. I literally walked half of Singapore on foot the other day just searching for that missing answer. Dropped off a bus at fort canning park and slowly made my way on foot to Mount Faber and thereafter on foot back to Clementi traversing through the southern ridges. At some points in time, I did feel as though I could almost grasp at the abstract thing i was searching for however always it remained elusive.

The day after though when I just so happened to step into the National Geographic shop in Vivocity, I was totally blown away. Coming to a wall at the far end of the shop staring back at me was a huge map on the world on the wall, with each and every country and territory clearly demarcated one beside the other. Lying around the place too were photos and books on the exploits of fellow adventures to parts of the world hidden from most.

Yes! This is and remains the only reason as to my motivation for working my ass of making money. Alena’s living expenses aside. Without this goal of traversing the world overland or by boat, life becomes truly meaningless, despite the tonns of money to be made.

That night I made Alena a proposal. We must go to India and journey from the southern parts to the northern parts just south of the Himalayan region, if not Bhutan, Nepal than Kashmir. To go I must!

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Eternity be damned

On and off, I do join some folks for jamming sessions. Once in a while during those sessions, I do suddenly find myself caught in some songs where there were just 3 to 4 chords maximum that just kept on cycling mindlessly one after the other.

Such occasions are a real torture to the soul, most especially when you ran out of new ideas what to do over those re-current chords. The torture is especially acute when you know that there outside this 4 chords are a whole universe of chords to explore.

Lately observing the people around me that have entered the work force. It seems their daily lives are imposed strictly within the limits of those 3 to 4 metaphor chords. From an outsider’s stand point, life seemed unbearably tasteless, in a sense tortorous.

I suddenly recalled from one of my lectures in Computer security how random numbers one after the other are created. Random numbers in computing are articifically created through the segmentation of an extremely large prime number. Within the domains of the prime number, all occurances appear random. However once past the pre-specified domain, a pattern starts to appear and becomes painfully apparently

Example:

13 expressed in binary will be 1110111100110010001110

We take a section of 4 places each time at an increment of 1 place per interation

1: 1110
2: 1101
3: 1011
4: 0111
5: 1111

…

23: 1110

On iteration 24th we get 1110 which is exactly simlar to 1

What has first been interesting has started suddenly to become boring, unpredictable and uninformative (Law of Anthrophy) Each additional iteration becomes less and less significant.

Translating it back to every life, we start to live more and more like machines losing our souls to the daily toils of live all for this false sense of security, the need to modulate back to iteration 1, once all available iteration within the set has been exhausted.

Exploring the exceptions available within our limited environment, I suddenly found that though my life has been rather random thus far, it has started to modulate back unto itself. It is starting to get really boring.

The possible solutions I could think of are either to getting myself into a new environment or seriously attempting at getting myself old and senile way ahead of my time.

The first seems pretty hard, with Alena serving as the drag, chaining me to this limited set of permutations with her inherent god be damned need for security and predicability. The second seems highly impossible, considering the fact I am no from the medical field by training.

Perhaps a third then. I think I should quietly slip away once all work has been settled for the year. India looks pretty foreign and exotic a place to explore. Perhaps I should even volunteer myself to work there in one of those NGO venues. That’d be a nice change of sets.

Imagining a existance that last for eternity, where all possible permutations has be tried and exhausted, life be really tortorous that way. Thankfully, we dont live forever.

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Security or imprisonment?

I finished my assignment with Ivy where I was playing the role of the zombie. It was late, I walked towards Singapore River, buying myself a pack of beedi along the way. The wind was blowing. The night was restive

I sat down by the river where I lighted my stick. Sitting there by the river, I relapsed into a thoughtful mood.

I imagined myself a orphan with no kin in this world and no home to return to, surviving by etching out a living on the streets with my wits. Today was one of those fortunate days where I managed some penny in my pocket. This evening I will not go hungry. Puffing away on my beedi, I smiled to myself. Was such a life a sad and miserable one or was it one free from the shackles of kinship?

I seeked further into this imaginative world of mine. Such a person must indeed feel terrible loneliness at times, however such profound sense of loneliness must be intermittenly mixed with a deep sense of peace, a peace which is hard to be found when bounded by ties and kinship but only in solitude. To live this life perhaps demands a great fortitude then. Such a life must perhaps be one that is bitter but yet at the same time sweetness, one that must be very beautiful indeed.

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21st century monsters

I brought Alena the other day to town with the intention of catching a movie, however Jim called somewhere along the way to invite for a networking session with some SEO gurus and our movie excursion was shortlived. Instead we ended up in Borders bookshop.

I always knew that books was for me greater source of temption than other commodities like cars, alcohol, branded goods or even girls. Unlike other stuff, each and every book was like a door way into some alternate reality, chance to dump here and now for something other worldly. A world of imagination where anything is possible.

Once in the shop I was spoilt for choices. There were so many books all over the place, taking a glance at their prefaces, most of them looked really inviting. Fixing my eyes on the wide selection, I eventually picked for myself “Dracula – the undead” and a book from “A series of unfortunate events” for Alena.

Thus I spent the next two days devouring my book from cover to cover. It is a sequel to the 19th classic Dracula by Bram Stoker.

This sequel is authored by one of his descendent and written based on notes left by the departed author presented Dracula in a different light.

In a sense it seems that societies’ notion of reality and attitued has changed very much over the past century. This change is evident when contrasting the monster then and the monster now. 19th century presented Dracula as an all powerful inhumanly blood thirsty creature of the night, 21st centruy presented this familiar monster in a humanified manner along with human strength and weakness. No longer was he presented as the absolute evil, he was instead presented as a living breathing entity with his own character, thoughts and emotions. He seemed to me to be pretty much like the Vampire Lestate in Anne Rice’s chronicals of the vampire. A creature lost in this fast changing world where traditions get eroded faster than they were built, full of fear, slowly finding his way about. He seemed a reflection of the 21st century human.

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Illogic women

Seriously, Alena is not the most logical person on earth. Was just attempting to continue my argument with her just now. The whole thing started last week when we were at the Kota Tinggi WaterFalls Resort, which ended with my sleeping out doors for the entire night with lots of mosquitoes as my bed mates.

So here went the entire flow of the argument this night.

“Look I am the most annoying person on earth”. I stated

“Yes you are.” she affirmed what I said.

“Also, we only argue and fight when we are together” I continued my exposition

“Yes it is true too.” She continued

“We are not happy together.” I stated

She didn’t reply to this.

“Since both of us are not happy together we should part. Since you do find me annoying why continue hanging around me and get annoyed. Shouldn’t you be attempting to maximize your happinese? that is what the normal thing that all humans should do. Happinese maximization.”

“Anyways, I don’t like to spend time fighting and quarrelling. I seriously have better things to do with my life, like enjoying myself and relaxing by the beach. ”

“You are so annoying. ” She finally replied

“Yes, I am. So why are you even trying to keep me around? The natural thing to do is to leave me and get some peace for yourself elsewhere. Anyways didn’t you tell me to get lost the other night? ” I asked

“Well, I told you to get lost, but just temporarily.” She declared.

“What crap is this? When I get lost, I will of course get lost forever. That is the most natural and consistant thing to do isn’t it? ”

“Why are you so annoying? ”

“Look I am annoying, in fact I am the most annoying person on this entire Earth. And I don’t want to annoy you any more. So why don’t you just let me leave and you get someone else? if it is money you want, there are tons guys out there that are richer and even more that will be willing to treat you better than I do. So why me? Then again, you are already working you should be starting to get your pay soon too. So why even bother getting a guy? You can even buy your own cigarettes nows. ” I declared.

“Who on earth is like you. Are you crazy?” she screams

“Yes, I am and I am going to retire into monkhood in Thailand next year after Chinese New Year when things gets quiet over here. If you want to you can join me but only as a nun. ”

“You are crazy! ” she said frustrated.

“Yes I am, and being a normal and rational person you should leave. It is only for your own good. ”

“No I won’t. ” she said

“Are you crazy too? Don’t waste your time on a crazy person like.”

And the whole stupid argument continues. How come it is never possible to convince her that it is only for her own better good that she leaves me alone and seek out someone else.

Damn it. What I truly want is just some peace and quiet. Here I am instead as if stuck with a tenacious chewing gum that refuses to get off my shoes, irregardless of how hard I try to ply it off.

Perhaps I should attempt at another method to convince her that being annoyed, quarrelled and fought by me is not the best way to live life.

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Bazaar happenings in the clementi neighborhood

I happened to chance across a post on Sammy Boy Forum last night. It was said there was actually a special massage parlour in Clementi Ave 2 area. It was just a few streets away from my place.

I got curious. It felt so strange that what normally happens in sleazy places like Geylang could actually happen in heartland areas like Clementi!

This afternoon after finishing my session at the gym, I decided to take a walk. I finally arrived at block 354, this is where commerce mainly takes place in this area.

I managed to locate the “Da Jie Niang Dou Fu” shop easily. The “Da Jie Niang Dou Fu” shop is a landmark which one of the members of the sammy boy forum posted.

I started walking down the main stretch of block 354. Upon detailed study, I realised there were actually three shops which looked quite suspicious. They were mainly located towards the end of the 5 foot way before it took a left turn. Out of the three shops two were empty while the first one was occupied by two PRC chinese looking ladies. I guess this must be the one. Having confirmed that this location that the members of the sammy boy forum posted was no bullshit but the real thing, I kept on walking down the 5 foot way and took the left turn.

It was not before long that i chanced upon this really eriee looking shop. I stood outstide trying to figure out what this shop was supposed to sell, when the proprietor of the shop beside that one told me to speak to the owner.

Apparently this shop is run by Shaiful. I wonder if he is related to the first shop keeper that talked to me.

This Shaiful is a pretty interesting character. His shop has been around for the past 5 months. He apparently runs tours to places around Southeast Asia to sites that a supposedly haunted.

Seems like his next trip is happening on the 9th this month to Vietnam. This whole thing seems pretty bazairre and interesting. If you are a really interested to find out more about his trips just head down to location stated here on Things To Do Singapore

His website is still under renovation, it is www.soulhunterz.org. I wonder when he would get it up. But I am definitely looking forward to it.

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A series of natural disasters – Water Elements

The later half of this years sees the multiple eastern parts of the world affected with water element based natural disaster.

Flooding in Taiwan (Water)
Flooding in India (Water)
Tsunami in Samoa (Water)
Indonesia (Earth and Water)

I wonder how true it is but some one even told Alena that she should change her name to remove the water elements in it, or else more bad fortune awaits.

I wonder if any Feng Shui Master could do any fortune telling with regards to this whole series of Water Element Disasters.

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On Benjamin Shears Bridge

I hopped off bus 128 into the hearts of Tanjung Rhu. It seemed quite a nice and quiet place over here.

Its turning out to be an interesting day so far. Jumping on and off random buses I arrived at Punggol MRT station. Followed by a long walk I have managed to arrive at Punggol beach. After watching the sun set in the north I headed down south, that was how I arrived at Tanjung Rhu.

I took a walk around the estate and met up with this German lady from whom I asked how to get onto the Benjamin Shears Bridge. She was walking a dog by the name of Shashy when I asked for directions. She was kind enough to show me to where the secret stairways started.

Secret Stair way to Benjamin Shears Bridge

Thus waving her good bye I set off for the bridge.

Up on the bridge, I suddenly feel this sense of space. The wind was blowing, while the cars zoomed by. It seemed I was the only person in this area that was realyl here.

I looked down at the waters way below. It seemed really inviting, just begging me to jump. I wonder how it feels like to jump off the bridge into the waters. It must be such an adrenaline rush I believe.

I recalled my time jumping off the plane in New Zealand. Then again I suddenly recalled how I once jumped off the quarry into the waters in Pulau Ubin a few years back and really got my balls bruised due to a bad landing on the waters.

From such a height, I believe a wrong landing could really get more than just my balls bruised. I remembered some Hong Kong movies where this action star did a similar stunt from the same height and came out with his brains messed up from the impact. Ouch!

All these thoughts about the inviting water below just kept on coming to my mind while I walked along the bridge. It just felt so inviting to take the leap. Suddenly I noticed a motor bike and then another 20 meters away a pair of shoes. Surprised at first I thought it was too much of a coincidence. It cant be that some one else has just did what I was fantasizing about just a few moments ago.

I went closer and took a look at the pair of shoes. Remnants of Mr Chua Chee Wee

It was an interesting pair of shoes. Nicely laid out beside an empty pack of cigarettes. It must have been left here by someone else. He has no longer anymore need for this pair of shoes I believe.

It must be karma that I chance upon this pair of shoes in the most desert part of a densely populated area in town. I dialed 999. He deserved a better resting place than by the side of Benjamin Shears Bridge Just as well, I completed the handing over of details to the police woman who picked up on the other end. The rest was history. I hurried left the place, with goosebumps all over me.

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Parting with a comrade

I finally managed to obtain for Alena her the tourist visa to get into Singapore early this week. She happily booked her air ticket this time around.

And then we had our quarrels again two days ago, as usual… This time I was too tired to call her up. I guess we both went missing for the whole of yesterday. I thought she wouldn’t even bother calling me back again. Guess she did, she texted me today while I was working in the office. I was mentally prepared to just let her go her way after that prior quarrel actually. I was feeling so drained after all these days, somethings got to give. And she seemed the heaviest load I had to deal with at the moment. The temptation to chuck her out like a jettison is there all the time and she really isn’t helping out.

Reading her mind, it seems her first two messages were once again attempts meant to provoke me to anger. I answered indifferently. There were more important things at hand to settle, like my clients! She said she cancelled her air tickets to Singapore with both her parents’ approval.

And thus we went through the process of going down and up the J curve again. This time round due to her lack of control over her emotions she messed up in the most terrible way possible. Firstly, she got angry and made a rash decision, then she was unsure where she should go should we really part,thereafter she was starting to feel lost, she has no idea anymore what to do with her life, finally the doubts creeped in and she got her funds with the air line office making the booking of another airline ticket to Singapore very unlikely even if she decided to change her mind.

“What do you want me to do?” I texted exasperated, not really looking forward to part with my hard earned cash from my previous few projects just to amend another one of her stupid mistakes. These cash could be used for better things.

“Well, I don’t know but never mind.” she replied.

I could imagine the look of being totally lost on her face at the moment we spoke. I saw that countless times, I absolutely hate that look, spending all my effort to just guide her along, protecting her from herself, most especially her stupidity.

I sat then on the sofa looking out the window, I was utterly upset. All would have been fined had she not attempted to contact me again after our quarrel. I would have moved double speed ahead with my life with just the right level of buoyancy and flexibility to keep me afloat for a long long time. Now once again I am stuck with this situation with her.

Anabel my friend from Shanghai, having seen Alena once during our dinner event together, has been warning me all along to dump her. Alena would only be a load in the long run and not a contribution to any of my endeavours. In fact it would have been hard if not impossible for her to find a mate of good calibre for herself with criterias such as hers back in China.

“She makes a bad choice for a mate, even if you don’t think for yourself. Think for your parents and future kids” those were her exact words. Though the words sounded harsh, Anabel’s intent was kind. She came from a back ground that was almost like Alena’s but the difference was Anabel was 3 years younger, with pure perservrance she managed to establish a career for herself and is comfortably married with into a well to do family.

But each time I thought about doing that, I could not help but recall that utterly lost and hopeless look on Alena’s face that I chanced to observe the one fateful day when she walked alone in the streets unaware of my presence. She tries hard in life but had no idea what the hell she was doing wrong no matter the amount of teaching she received. The recollection of that scene still pains me and brings me close to tears just thinking of it. I never ever want that look on her face ever again if I ever could help it.

So many girls I have dated, and so many of them I have parted without worries, they were strong smart and intelligent. Alena oh Alena, I find it hard to ever part with her without the assurance that she is in the safe hands of another. Failing to do so, it would have felt as though I have abandoned a comrade in the battle field just to save my own skin. How dishonourable is that. Such a thought just leaves a foul taste in my mouth.

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Lunch Experiment Backfired

Today mom cooked glutinous rice for lunch. Recalling that glutinous rice is hard to digest because of the high amount of oil content in it, this idea occured to me. I saw a pile of lemon on the dining table. Thus I halved cut one of them into and proceeded to squeeze one half onto my rice.

Thinking that resulting dish should be quite yummy, I hurriedly shoved a spoon into my mouth. I was definitely in for a surprise. The whole taste was off. Ewwww….. The saltish taste of the rice did not go well with the overwhelmingly sour taste of the lemon. In fact they did not blend at all.

Not wanting to waste the food. I shoved the rest of the dish down my throat doing my best not to taste anything. Well at least I got for myself a healthy if not tasty meal today.